User Profile

I’m trapped in the mother-fucking-nether-regions of Alberta wondering why the fuck I’m finishing my degree to work at ten-dollar-an-hour-job asking some fat bitch if she’d like fries with “that.” I’m generally a happy-go-lucky-guy, but I have my psychotic moments where I scream and bash my fists against the ground like a 13 year old menstruating girl – I’m told that’s an Aries thing; I’d like to think it’s because I’m a reincarnated princess who doesn’t take shit from anybody (prissy bitch, though, is probably the less spiritual answer).

I found Jesus at the tender age of 13 – he was behind the couch the entire time. I did the church thing because I hadn’t discovered the joys of sexual orgasm; once I did, I embraced my leschevious nature and celebrated the joys of masturbation and homosexual orgasms (life lesson number 32: don’t nock sodomy until you try it a few times with the right lube and the appropriate amount of alcohol).

Before I had my own 1969 sexual revolution and was all up in that sexually-repressed-jesus-lovin’-bible-humpin-old-time-religion, I wanted to be a minister. I had deep spiritual experiences on my knees, like many a mystic before me; I then realized I could have equally profound experiences on my knees without having to believe in the miraculous doctrine of the un-popped Mary cherry or the wondrous emergence of Zombie Jesus from the tomb.

In short, I’m a whacked product of a Baptist Sunday school gone wild disco homo doing “line dances” on a mirrored table!

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